Once I get time/attention, this will be sooooooooooooooooooo long. In the meantime, here's 0.0001% of what I got to say.
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Preparation is a breeze with Chad's Disaster Club's patented methods. Just remember CDCCCCCT!
CDCCCCCT™ Chads Disaster Club Connect-Cut-Carry-Clean Technique™
CONNECT
Use it as a belt. Make a sling. Wrap around cables, chains, bundles of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons for the campfire, etc.
Close bags. Bundle up socks or jewelry. Attach rope to things. Group your epi-pens by how expired they are. Make a chain to climb out of a window. Tie up looters until they understand to never fuck with you ever again.
Jokes about false imprisonment are hilarious, and it's for sure just a joke I promise.
Tow a car. Play tug of war. Tie your three-legged horse to the tree while you're collecting micro-plastic paste from the LA River. Hang dry clothes. Bundle firewood. Burn it as firewood. Make a big fake spiderweb and pretend to eat flies. What can you *not* do with rope? And string. Get string too.
CUT
Think of how often you have to divide, open, or break into things. How often do you hurt your fingers? Ouch.
Gloves
- Scissors, knives, backhanded compliments, etc.
CARRY
There's nothing worse than having all the right things but no way to transport them.
- Ziploc Bags
Seriously. Keep small things like money or Girl Scout Cookies. Store water *or* protect stuff from water. Make sandbags to throw at passersby, thereby establishing your dominance as the new alpha on the block, and boy are some things gonna change around here. If you feel a stinky dookie brewing, plop it directly into the bag and seal; no messy cleanup. Rinse, and reuse.
CLEAN:
Do you like being dirty?
- Wipes, Wipes, Wipes
There are many shitty reasons to have wipes on hand. (DOUBLE pun intended)
OTHER CHACKS
THIS SECTION WILL BE SOOOOO LONG ONCE I GET ATTENTION TO WRITE IT
- Multiuse
Many things can be used for multiple purposes. When you look for a product, see if there's a version combined with other tools. (pliers + knife, radio + flashlight, umbrella + stun gun)
- Common Battery Sizes
When selecting battery-powered products, stick with items that use AA or AAA batteries. Who has 6 spare D batteries laying around for an old flashlight? Get a newer, brighter one that uses a few AAs.
Pro Tip: When possible, store your items without the batteries installed, but keep them with the product. When you need your bullhorn, you don't want it to be all crusty.
- Paper Backups
Online doesn't work when you're not online. Marriage certificates, birth certificates, wills, powers of attorney, prescriptions, health records, and your Official Madonna Fan Club membership card.
- Defense
Prepare to defend your preparation defensively. Sharing is caring, but if it's my last food bar, get the fuck away. Firearms are for pussies that have an unhealthy need to be able to quickly destroy everything around them. Stock up on slingshots and crowbars. Go full Home Alone with that shit.
Pro Tip: Keep at least one heavy flowerpot in each room. According to TV and movies, one firm bop and intruders pass out cold. Even if it doesn't work, it'll make a fun story for later.
- Decoy Food
If you're in a situation where you need disaster food, imagine all the people who will also want your disaster food. Hide the good stuff, and keep a box of cheap food bars nearby. When someone wants some, tell them you're down to your last two food bars, but you'll trade one for their three-legged horse. When the coast is clear, celebrate by busting out the astronaut ice cream.
- LEGO
Seriously. Build a doorstop, a flashlight stand, plug a hole in the wall, use them as slingshot ammo, etc. Build your own stuff that you can't get at the store that got swallowed up in the sink hole last week.
- Common USB Charging Types
When getting new rechargable products, go for ones that charge using USB-C so you can keep your cables interchangeable. Actually, it's not that big of a deal. Nevermind.
In addition to being hella cool, you can make or repair all kinds of things.
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